I stared at my phone all night waiting for a text message that never came.
From a boy…it’s always a boy.
Dolly Parton famously said, “My weaknesses have always been food and men – in that order.” Couldn’t agree more (we are both from Tennessee, after all). But I’m going to throw wine in there too.
When I decided to make myself more accountable during Remote Year, I knew something had to change. And I’m self-aware enough to know that booze and boys are the two things that give me validation when I’m insecure.
So if I am in fact going to make a difference in my life this year…those are the two things I decidedly have to eliminate.
I’ve hit my breaking point. Rock bottom. All-time low. Whatever you want to call it. I can’t keep living this way.
And, yes, I may be in Spain. And, yes, I may be on an incredibly journey…but I’m still me and facing those same demons who followed me from Memphis.
I’ve tried this expulsion before…never very seriously though (28 days) . But literally being on the other side of the planet forces you to face the fact that you can’t run away from what is haunting you. And those two things are undoubtedly preventing my self-growth.
Friends have countered with moderation, trying for a single month, or just not doing it.
But I have to.
I want to be clear that I don’t have a drinking problem…I just want to lead a clear-headed, authentic, and intentional life. Men and alcohol ruin that. For me.
Lately I’ve been thinking about this Sex and the City quote every time I have a conversation:
“How does it happen that four smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends? It’s like seventh grade but with bank accounts. What about us? What we think, we feel, we know, Christ! Does it always have to be about them? Just give me a call when you’re ready to talk about something besides men.”
But what it really comes down to is that I want to be present in the moment. No distractions. I want to enjoy living in Cambodia and riding a camel in Morocco. Nothing can put me in a worse mood than boy drama or feeling rejected by the opposite sex.
And alcohol? Don’t even get me started on the fuzziness that causes.
So here it goes…Day 1…already done as I type this before bed.
Photograph: Valencia, Spain © Joelle Pittman